Whether it came from the term 'to kick the bucket' or the film 'The Bucket List', it means to fit in as much as you can before you die.
What a morbid thought...That's not quite what I meant by this post, rather I would like to refer to our "Bucket List" as being As many things as we can fit in together before...
Before I go back to work...
Before I don't get to spend these cherished moments with him every day...
Before I become more of an emotional wreck that is completely irrational. (Maybe it's too late for that one!)
Maybe I should have titled this post...'A first time Mum's separation anxiety'
The truth is, that's what it is/was.
When I became pregnant I was wrapped up in a whirlwind of anxiety, thrill and excitement of what this next chapter of our lives meant. It meant the obvious - your tummy expanding to a nice round bump that everyone wants to touch and talk about, finishing up years of work in which you have waited for the day you finally get to say "I'm on Maternity Leave, see you all in a year!" and enjoy time off without feeling guilty. It meant meeting new first time Mums going through the same thing and being overjoyed all of the time! (apart from the morning sickness and aches & pains which now seem a distant memory). Basically a years worth of awesomeness felt like it was coming to an end. And fast!
I've met an abundance of new friends for both my little dude and I. I've organised a Playgroup despite functioning on little to no sleep. I've had the luxury of popping Mr. Man in the car every morning and grabbing a take-away coffee to the point where the cafe owners now expect me and think something is severely wrong when I am not there by 8am. I've been able to finally stop and smell the roses after 13 years of constant work - and they smell beautiful! Most of all, I've carried, met and fallen deeply in love with a child of my own and that is the greatest gift of all.
So needless to say I have spent the past few months dreading this 'end'. Dreading going back to work which is a strange feeling for me as I love my job. But this feeling of dread is real and it's because I have created such a special bond with this child who I now look at as if he's an extension of my right arm. It feels like it's taken 8 months to get to a point of smooth sailing and where the word 'routine' actually means something now. Breastfeeding was an extreme challenge for both of us for the first 6 weeks, and now it feels like a breeze. Night sleeps were non-existent for the first 7 months and now sleep has returned for us all. And I've discovered that being a Mum is exactly what I am meant to be.
Really, I am just so attached to this little human that even the thought of not spending two days a week with him hurts my heart.
And I thought I LOVED my dog!
Don't get me wrong, I don't have fears about leaving him with his grandparents or friends when I return to work or even go out at night. There couldn't be any better people to help care for our child and there is no one I trust more than them. It's not that at all, despite what it may seem. It's a lot deeper than that for me.
Some mother's deal with it better than others, but for me the struggle is real. I've spend the last few months counting DOWN the days instead of focusing on the best of each day. It was getting me down so much to the point of not sleeping at night. Will my little buddy be okay somewhere other than with Mum or Dad? Will he miss me? Will my milk supply dry up and all this effort of breastfeeding come to a sudden end? Will his personality change from this placid boy (like his dad), to a highly strung, whingy and clingy person (like his mum)? See...the struggle is real.
Well, maybe I have always been one to slightly over-react.
So, I decided enough is enough. Stop being a whiny, clingy Mama and get over it! He will be fine. It's an adjustment for us all. But the truth is, it's the guilt I carry of leaving him. Time to switch it up. Make the most of the time you do have left together and enjoy it. Go out more, see and experience new things together, create new memories. After all, he isn't an 18 year old leaving you to move out on his own just yet. Calm down!
Time for our "bucket list". Each week we are going to do something fun, different and exciting together. Whether he is asleep in his pram or wide awake and not understanding where the hell we are. We are going to be adventurous together! Maybe all this is more for me than for him, but you have to do what you have to do!
For any other parents out there who are relating to even the littlest bit of what I am saying, it definitely pays to look at things glass half full''. I've always been a 'glass half empty' girl, much to my detriment. I have always prepared myself for the worst, overanalysed every situation, fought hard, loved harder and cried when there was absolutely no need to. But that's just me. My sensitivity can be my greatest attribute and my biggest downfall all at the same time. In this case I think you can see both. I don't want to raise a clingy, afraid, anxious little child who doesn't want to go to anyone other than his parents, but this is what 'fumbling through parenting' is. There is no manual to tell you how to be a Mum, and there is definitely no 'perfect parenting' App that you can just quickly download on your iPhone and follow step by step. Imagine!
Parent just how YOU can..the best you can.
I pat myself on the back for how I have raised a gentle, sweet and calm little man who happily will go to anyone. He doesn't cry or fret for me when I leave him, so I must be doing something right. But even if he does, so what? Babies are babies and the maternal bond you create with your child is irreplaceable. Yes, it's a bond that comes naturally but you also have to work extremely hard for it. Those sleepless nights, bodily aches and pains, fears of not knowing what to do, asking Dr. Google, ending up in Emergency, wiping bodily fluids from every part of them and you and doing everything and anything to care for your child first, even if it means you haven't eaten properly, showered or even been to the toilet for a very long time. You've earned that bond! Paternal bonds included. No one can cuddle like Mum or Dad can, even now as an adult you know sometimes all you need is their hug.
But this separation anxiety will end, and if it doesn't I will get past it. I'm not going to try and change 'me' because that's what other people think I should do. I will just change my outlook on things. So for now, time to enjoy the next few months even more so that we have been.
I won't ever stop being a super sensitive human being, and I probably won't stop over-analysing every situation. But I will make the best out of it. And I will be the best parent I can be. I promise, there are good qualities about me too and this blog is a little raw and honest, but this is to hopefully relate to someone else feeling similar or even trying to better understand their feelings.
Here's to me and you little one! And our "Bucket List" in all it's glory.
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